Saturday, August 29, 2009

Pass me the gun, Honey. I just found Season 8.

Goin' to the chaaaaapel and we're gonnnnna get ma-a-a-a-ried...okay, so it's not a chapel and it isn't me, but we will be attending an outdoor wedding this evening. I love weddings. But there's something I get rather envious of.

No, it's not the gorgeous flowing white gown on that young, flawless beauty. It's not even the ultimate pampering you receive as a bride - manicure, pedicure, make-up and hair. Frankly, I don't even get all that jealous of the perfect Caribbean honeymoon (okay, well, maybe a little).

You see, I want the registry.

Pages upon pages of merchandise you just plain want. It doesn't even matter if you actually need it. All 10 seasons of Friends on DVD? Come on! Back in my day, it was all about the china and crystal (borrrring). Sure, they'll reach for the scanner gun as they stroll past the blenders and toasters too, but these days you can register for anything from poker chips to a chainsaw.

I've been married for 16 years. The towels are thin and frayed. The crockpot button broke off years ago. And I don't even own a DVD player. How about a registry for those of us in desperate need of dropping a few hundred dollars at Target too?

Because let's face it, when you're shopping a wedding registry, cost is barely a factor. Visions of your gift adorned in embossed white wrapping paper with a big shimmery bow cause you to lose your head. Not to mention you adore this new couple and know your gift will be remembered for all time (5 years later...Husband: Where'd we get that popcorn bowl? Wife: Oh, you know! It was a gift from Aunt Doreen for our wedding!). So the pressure is on to get just the right gift.

Translation: People you haven't seen in months or years will slap down serious cash to help you set up your home. I like the sound of that.

So how about it? Every 15 years we head to the store with our spouse, grab a gun and start scanning like mad. When can that become socially acceptable?

I know what you're thinking: By that time in your marriage you should be well-established in your careers, making enough money to allow you to take care of yourself. Oh reeeeally? So that must be why the majority of people I see at garage sales are people under the age of 30? NOT! Look at us! We're scavengers for the best deal we can find! We have children to feed and clothe now and don't even get me started on the cost to repair the car that just broke down last week! We're the ones hovered around the clearance racks and scoffing at pillows priced at $39.99!

So, come on all you Aunt Doreens of the world. Whaddya say? I'll even let you wrap up my new queen-size sheets in tissue paper stuffed with confetti I'll have to vacuum up later.

Just to give you a little more joy.

And you'll be quite impressed when the 'thank you' card arrives so punctual. After all, I can write them as I'm watching Season 8 of Friends on my new DVD player.


  1. I sang that song for decades when I was raising children. Oh, sure, you need stuff when you're starting out but most of the time, your two incomes can eventually furnish a house. The time you really need the help is after you've been married 16 years and you have two or three kids and the sheets, towels, cookware, dishes, bedspreads, etc are frayed and faded! Sweetheart, if you register, I'll buy you something from your registry!

  2. Maxine,

    What fun! I have a blog, too and it's a great creative outlet. Though sometimes (like now) I'm up late at night blogging because naptime with triplets just isn't long enough to do damage control AND blog.

    Check us out at